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Golf Laws

Review These Laws Frequently

Received: 08May2011

LAW 1 No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2 Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3 Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual magnetism.

LAW 4 A golf ball cannot bounce off of trees back into play without breaking a natural law of the universe. Such a tree should be harvested.

LAW 5 The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6 A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or an equivalent combination.

LAW 7 Count your blessing; your Mother in Law is not as demon-possessed as your 3-wood.

LAW 8 Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3

LAW 9 The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10 You are wise to abandon your golf game at least twice per month.

LAW 11 All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12 Bad golf shots come in groups of three. When you hit a fourth consecutive bad shot, you have not disproven LAW 12, you have merely begun another group of three.

LAW 13 It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you're lying 8.

LAW 14 Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 15 It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

LAW 16 The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 17 You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 18 Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental incompetence equilibrium.