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Things My Mother Taught Me


no wonder I turned out so well

Received: 14May2001

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better PRAY that stuff will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'LL GIVE YOU something to cry about."

My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me how to be a CONTORTIONIST:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me to be in the RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME:
"When the brains were being handed out, you were standing behind the door."

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about ASTRONOMY:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My mother taught me about animal intelligence:
"You haven't got the brains God gave a jackass."

THANKS, MOM