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In Our Dreams


Received: 13Feb2004

A Simple Substitute

I have decided to take matters into my own hands. Through the internet, I have found and loaded onto my computer, all of the laws of the United States including the laws of all fifty states. As you can imagine, my computer has a noticeable bulge. Next, I wrote this little program that searches for the word "marriage" and replaces each occurrence with the words "civil union". It also replaces "married" with "wedded", etc. As I write this report, my computer is merrily gurgling away making all the changes. When it gets done, I will take all the revised laws and put them back where I found them.

This Is Easy

Tomorrow morning, in City Halls all over America, it will be a new day! When the town clerks start cranking paperwork, civil union licenses will get printed instead of marriage licenses. Save the retraining budget, these folks will wrap their minds around this new idea before their first coffee break. And, just think of the accomplishment: religions gain the exclusive use of the word "marriage". They may perform ceremonies of their faithful in their establishment in accordance with their teachings never again to be confused by civil ambiguities.

We Finally Got It

Wouldn't our founding fathers be proud? After a mere two centuries, we have successfully separated church from state. I must apologize to my lawyer friends out there; I have made all of your lawbooks obsolete. Just do what my computer is doing right now: when you read "marriage", just say "civil union". Elementary work for the nimble of mind.

JP Alert

Oh, I almost forgot our Justices of the Peace: remember, don't use the "M" word anymore. At the end of the ceremony, if you have a keen eye, you can still say "I now pronounce you husband and wife". But, if you want to play it safe, I would suggest "I now declare you wedded for life".

Romance is such a heartwarming topic.