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Obama Dumped Me

Exit interview of George Richard “Rick” Wagoner, Jr.

Received: 08Jan2010

Interviewer: “Why did GM fail?”
Mr. Wagoner: “We built good cars but the media, the government and the other wingnuts convinced the public that our cars were not good. Because auto sales are cyclical, we had the misfortune of coinciding with a bottom. Some people say that we should have planned for the bottom during the highly profitable times but they don’t understand.”
Interviewer: “How difficult is it to make cars?”
“Its not rocket science to built a car; you take a bunch of parts and you assemble them, test them and ship the car. We’ve being doing it for a hundred years. Its easy.”
Interviewer: “How did you get the job of running GM?”
Mr Wagoner: “I came up through the bean-counter ranks at GM and we developed a simple formula for selling the product: just let the marketing and merchandising divisions create the hype and customer loyalty and our dealerships will be filled with customers dying for a Grand Am, a Hummer, a Silverado, a Malibu or a Saturn.”
Interviewer: “Some people say that your technology lagged the industry.”
Mr Wagoner: “What’s wrong with that? We added new technology when our marketing division said we needed it to avoid losing sales. And our engineers promptly responded as soon as the patents ran out. We call our approach: never sell technology before its time. You didn’t see GM in litigation regarding, for instance, anti-lock brakes because we waited until the technology was proven and mature. Besides, where else could the motoring public get front-bench seats or dashboard-mounted headlight control knobs. We were proud to be the leader in the bending of sheet-metal and the creation of new avant-guard paint colors.”
Mr. Wagoner continues: “As an example, compare the specs of the 2009 Chevy Cobalt with the 1989 Ford Probe. Almost identical. Can you imagine the carelessness of Ford to introduce so much new technology so early in its life cycle? And to import all of it except the sheet metal from Madza! Heretics.”

Interviewer: “Do you agree that GM cars had higher labor content than Asian and European cars made in the US?”
Mr. Wagoner: “It’s not the cost of making the car that is non-competitive; it’s the cost of employee benefits that put us at a disadvantage. In the old days, we employed the largest unskilled labor force in the world. Couples would slave working two jobs to send their kids to college so the kids could graduate after four years and earn a starting salary of $40K. To earn that same salary, we would take any high school kid and teach him or her to do an assembly job in half-an-hour. On average, our employees had better health and retirement benefits to boot.
Mr. Wagoner continues: “When the unions demanded more benefits, we put on a good show so the public thought we were fiercely resisting. But in the end, we gave in and just raised our prices. There was never any question as to whether the public could afford an extra grand to buy the car of their dreams.”
Interviewer: “Sounds like a business plan that works great for a monopoly.”
Mr. Wagoner: “It did work great. In 1979 the government restricted foreign car imports but the Reagan administration removed them in 1985. Our products face restrictions all over the world and most foreign automobile manufacturers get government help. We were not playing on a level playing field.”
Interviewer: “Why didn’t GM get on the fuel-efficiency bandwagon.”
Mr. Wagoner: “Because it is the wrong long-term plan for America. Our philosophy at GM has always been to consume every drop of foreign oil that we can. The more gas-guzzlers, the better. Early on, we conspired with Standard Oil to rip up trolley tracks all over America. Let’s see how smug and arrogant the Arabs and the Russians are when they don’t have any oil to sell. If you want to end terrorism, you have to dry up the funding sources.”
Interviewer: “What about the Chevy Volt?”
Mr. Wagoner: “A pure scam to keep the wingnuts happy. If you look closely, the batteries for each car will cost more the a brand new Honda Civic. Of course you can believe that there will be a breakthrough in battery technology ready for high volume production in the next year. More likely, the taxpayers will subsidize battery production like solar panels, corn in gasoline and a wingnut buyer tax credit.” If you can keep a secret, the Volt has a gas engine in it.
Interviewer: “What do you think will happen to GM now that the government has taken it over?”
Mr. Wagoner: “I would know what to do but it is obvious that they have no idea. First they continue the Bush bailout plan; then they decide on bankruptcy; then its a controlled bankruptcy so that they can protect union salaries. I hope the taxpayers aren’t expecting to get there money back.”
Interviewer: “Thank you Mr. Wagoner.”

a fabrication